Carolime Time

I met with a group of producers, actors and a cinematographer tonight for a project we’re working on together. We’ve all got high hopes for it as it’s already been noticed by a huge Canadian network. After getting through the business talk of what role each of us would have and production days, we all sat back for some chit chat on a more social level. As a side note, I always leave these scenarios feeling really insecure and unsure of how I present myself on a personal level — maybe it’s because their opinions matter to me, as much as my co-workers’  opinions matter to me in a media setting (as I mentioned in a previous article On Panics in the Workplace)..Though this meeting featured no entertaining panic attacks. LOL.

Anyway, one of the writers, who is also a cinematographer, was sitting beside me. I engaged him in a lengthy discussion on everything from feature film-making to documentary film-making (as you know this is the industry in which I work on a more regular basis) and acting. For his bread and butter (and what sweet, filling bread and butter it must be!), he works as the man behind the camera in those spaces we all dread and yearn for — the casting room. So he sees all the inner workings of  casting directors at auditions and, often, the director, writer, producer and their moms. This guy works for one of the top casting ladies in Toronto and I had some questions to ask him about what goes on behind the scene. Some of you might already know the answers to these things, but I thought I’d share some wisdom for the audition room: Read the rest of this entry »

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I’m finding it frightfully difficult to make time to write here, and find the time to sit down. I arrived in Sharjah, UAE, on Tuesday morning. I slept for the next 2 days, only waking early in the evening. The 9hr time difference definitely hit me hard and my jetlag had me disconcerted. I’m surprised and pleased that no medication or mutating internal time bomb has been created to cure jetlag. Pardon the imagination, I’m just on a bit of a Dubai conspiracy trip. There’s really nothing to it. It’s just the fact that this country, the UAE, has been masterfully organized and structured.

Each time I visit, I spend the first few days considering moving here. It would make sense. My two brothers live here year-round, I have more than a handful of friends and family friends, and my godparents are a welcoming, warm stand-in for local parents.  I have some job options, too. I’m tempted to look into them this week, but this is amid responses from friends such as, “I could never imagine you in Dubai, I am certain this country would kill your soul” and, “Don’t move here.”

Wow, huh.  So my first few days are always spent sorta enjoying the change in scenery, the sort of people I encounter, and my sensitivity to another style of living. But there comes a point where it all slips and it’s not that I don’t LIKE the country, I just get edgy and feel a sense of helplessness come over me. I’ll have to investigate it further.

At the same time, there is a lot of inspiration here for me in the writing of a neverending story. So much imagery, and I think I could benefit creatively, surprisingly, from this society that is the complete opposite to the undisciplined hullabaloo that is my Canadian life.

Anyway, my friend’s wedding has passed. It was fantastic!!! I think I was talking and dancing so much that I forgot to eat! Well, I know I ate a little bit. I always get very sentimental at weddings and this was no exception. Luckily it was just the reception and not an event involving heavy speeches and toasts. Otherwise I’d have definitely ruined my makeup!

My voice is gone, and I felt quite ill yesterday. It’s from all this drinking, I can’t handle alcohol two days in a row, let alone three.  But it’s in good fun.

My Lebanon plans are not taking form easily. It’s so frustrating, as all my family and friends are on my back not to go. Apparently I’m being very silly with the whole idea, according to my older brother and parents. I know others feel the same. What can I do? I am dying to go to Beirut and see the city and its surrounding mountains.

Lebanon has stated it has no involvement in the current Gaza incursions, and it will only respond to Israel’s attacks–which will not happen since their hands are currently full with Gaza. Not only that, but a Hamas spokesperson said that none of Hamas’  battles will be fought on other Arab soil right now, and it is trying to keep it in Gaza but is not surprised by the reactions of other Palestinian groups in surrounding Arab countries. I really don’t see anything else happening, and the friends I’ve asked from Middle Eastern media think that a trip to Lebanon right now is not a bad idea. sigh.

* I don’t know what to do*…and so, I will go ramble around town, maybe shop, maybe sit at a restaurant or cafe, take my book, and hope something clicks together in my mind.

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my struggle to live beyond the 4 walls of an office begin here. stifled and uninspired, i awaited my departure from the environment, anticipating the day i would get laid off or come across my dream spot (or gold-bearing partner, whichever came first that would emancipate me from the 9 to 5 shackles).

it’s not that i wanted to stop working, but that i wanted to be the sole decider of how my time would be spent.

freelance options

i think it’s quite difficult to live a freelance life. one must be wholly dedicated, hardworking, proactive, and disciplined.  one friend suggested i use facebook as my source of networking and take articles and work from those on my friends list. truthfully, that site has been absolutely useless to me, no matter how much i tried to use it as a networking tool. i had 700 friends, and i got no jobs, just a lot of welcome, warm responses to my writing and a lot of ‘friends’.

i also considered jumping from contract to contract. that would be awesome, actually. spend 3mos writing articles on the investment and financial worlds, another 6mos working as a communications assistant at the film festival, all while freelance writing along the way and working as a performer, as i please..this would be a good life for me. there’s also Nasco, a staffing company for events and entertainment, and Creative Niche, a staffing company for arts and creative careers.

i look at jobs regularly and some are fantastic…

–note–i didn’t finish this post until recently. before i could really dive into the freelance life, i came upon another 9 to 5 opportunity that struck my fancy. luckily, it’s a contract internship with a leading digital force.

learning on the side

on that note, i think it’s always important to build on our abilities when the chance arises. be it a course, workshop, or internship, it all adds up. of course, we have to make money along the way..i saved up a chunk from my past work, and am now draining that. my spending has also decreased a lot…not so much a fine diner these days! and those fruity drinks at Toronto’s Blowfish Restaurant aren’t meeting my lips..sigh..

i’ll keep you updated on the rest..

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As one of my web entrepreneur friends put it, in terms of whether the public can weed through the garbage online and figure out where the truth lies,

“Generally speaking there is a 80 to 20 ratio on the Internet. 20% are intelligent and the 80% are computer illiterate. Thus they are idiots and will fall for any traps.”

It’s like today’s news media. How many people do I see feeding into every bit of the news, never researching their sources, never knowing how much spin there is in everything they’re digesting into their bloodstream?

One time, my aunt called me up, all gung-ho about putting her daughter into acting and modeling. Apparently, my cute and eager cousin was approached by a solicitor at a fair and told she should join their school and talent agency. The price would be upwards of $2000.00.

Seeing as I have a lot of performing experience, my aunt wanted my advice on whether the school is good or not, and whether her daughter was too young. Now, I’ve known fraud. When I was young, in pre-Google times, I researched fraud agencies myself, painstakingly following forums and links till I got to the core of a topic–only to discover I’d been approached by a fraudulent agency.

It’s much easier these days. I simply typed in the name of the performing arts school my aunt mentioned (I can’t remember it right now). The first link was the website of the company itself. The average web-user will click on this site and get buried in the content of the site, its testimonials, and registration page. I simply looked below the first link and came upon threads and comments revealing the company for all it was worth. I promptly called my aunt and told her that this was the case.

The thing is, not everyone will take the time or consider looking further in this manner.

Similarly, we read countless blogs on a topic, and think that because it’s written in blog-style and from a real, live person…that we’re not being tricked.

BLOGS ARE MARKETING TOOLS!!

i just had to say that out loud. it’s pounding in my head. where is quality writing?

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Due to a lack of time and perhaps valuable inspiration, I am posting this essay I wrote last year that I found while crying poverty…tee hee

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Four years ago, in 2003, one could enter Concordia University’s pub, Reggie’s, and be greeted by a barrage of cigarette smoke, wafts of beer-laced breath, and colourful political banter. With eyes ablaze, accents in tow, and historical references galore, students would engage in debate over the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. The exaggerated hand movements and raised voices were not confined to youthful idealism, but would continue into the dark cafes and greasy diners, where vegans, artists, and refugees still gather to analyze government conspiracies and plot intricate performances garnered toward the attention of the public. An evening out on the town could consist solely of people watching, and eavesdropping, in this case. The passion bred in these actors is not written from fiction or for the entertainment of the public.

Perhaps it’s Quebec’s history of activism that breeds such fervent political and social awareness. The Quiet Revolution, language issue disputes, and student riots on tuition freeze are just a handful of the movements performed by citizens in maintaining self-rule and the freedom of thought, with many of the demonstrations conducted during these times leaving their mark simply due to their theatrics. This mentality of bringing change to ones environment seems to rub off even on the newcomers to Montreal, and those in transit.

A protest, also known discreetly as a demonstration, is defined by Wikipedia.com as a “relatively overt reaction to events or situations: sometimes in favour though more often opposed.”[i] The Wikipedia.com definition comes in handy solely because it is contributed to by those around the world who agree with its meaning, and protests have proven useful internationally. Rallies remain a means of expression and influence, for it is people and numbers that attempt roles as persuaders and changers of their environment. It involves direct action rather than promised action in the form of elected representatives and often-inconclusive legislation.

Montreal activists take demonstrations to all time creative highs, employing inexhaustible methods of performance and entertainment from all venues of art, technology, and traditional political maneuvers used in creating a bustle. There is no such thing as bad publicity is a common chant that rings through private meetings in activists’ living rooms. In the practices of German dramatist Bertolt Brecht, the suspension of disbelief is abhorred. It requires the surrender of the critical self to the entertained self, and forces the idea that something fictional is the truth. Surrendering to the suspension of disbelief opposes Brecht’s plan for the audience to defamiliarize themselves from the issue and look at it from a critical point of view[ii].

In the activist core, there is a distance between the victim and the sympathizer. The sympathizer is the activist. Though it is common for the person holding out flyers and marching with a poster to be directly affected by an issue, one aspect of Montreal’s political activism style is the tendency to defend an issue from a distance, and take on the role of saviour. This is due to the fact that the city hosts such diverse ethnic communities with roots and family in places with less autonomy. It is also aided by a large post-secondary student community that is mostly composed of youth from a more privileged upbringing.

In Brecht’s Epic Theatre, it is important to detach oneself as the actor from the topic. By retelling a true story in the form of a witness account, the audience is reminded that the performance is one created to educate and not to entertain[iii]. The clever thing about demonstrations and protests is that there is not as much necessity for the actors to break the tempting fourth wall. It is already understood by the public and viewers that the accounts they are witnessing, whether accompanied by theatrics or not, is in fact someone’s truth and opinion. The guerrilla aspect of taking the public unawares in an open setting allows for no opportunity to delve into suspended disbelief. Like Brecht’s use of alienation effects such as screens stating captions, performers in a street demonstration will hold up posters of propaganda and hand out flyers. The audience does not have to pay for a ticket to the show, and they do not sit in a theatre watching a stage. Real, live, unconventionally ready actors assail their viewers with ideas.

There are numerous similarities in the mannerisms of modern day Montreal activism and the methods utilized in Brechtian theatre. The alienation effect and breaking of the fourth wall are key in Brecht theatre and demonstrations[iv]. It allows for the audience to confront themselves with the truth of the matter. The techniques can backfire, though, when the public is exposed to advertised dramatics from an activist.

In 2005, for instance, Montreal writer and activist Yves Engler decided to call attention to the Canadian government’s involvement in the coup of Aristide, Haitian president, and training of Haitian police. At the Montreal Conference on Haiti, he approached the Foreign Affairs Minister Pierre Pettigrew with red paint, shouting “Pettigrew lies, Haitians die.” This hit national airwaves, while the basic link between the violent conduct of Haitian police and the RCMP was related back to Canada[v]. This sort of civil disobedience could lead to police intervention, but Engler later released two books and continued to write for the alternative press, along with the Globe and Mail.

This makes one wonder, is the message being set across to the public? True, it did reach national attention, and it did create a moment of confusion in a government setting on the contentious issue. But the question remains, will the public connect the dots? Pettigrew was not involved in a reenactment, and was not taking part in this exposé by choice. In this case, the theatric elements of the stage took precedence over the message behind it. It makes one cover their mouth with muffled laughter, but does it really create a stir to action? Pictures were taken of Pettigrew getting splashed with fake blood, but not enough was said about the reasoning behind it. The use of an object, here, is also uncommon from typical protests. The bare minimum is kept to in protests, with exceptions regarding posters and self-adornment. Messages are relayed via sound and visuals. This splashing of a prop, a fake blood, brings in a sort of dishonesty. It tarnishes the reputation of activism in that demonstrations typically speak the truth, and an unnecessary substance is being brought on the scene.

At the same time, there is an element of celebrity to these acts. Engler’s name has been all over the news, and his pictures have been seen in Montreal papers in regards to his arrests and suspension from Concordia University. In 2005, he released two books, one titled “Playing Left Wing: From Rink Rat to Student Radical”. The other was written about Canada and Haiti. “Playing Left Wing…” does raise some eyebrows, though. It outlines Engler’s switch from star hockey player in BC to star activist in Montreal. Born around approximately 1979, Engler offers a whole lot of aged understanding for a twenty-six year old. After his conversion from jock to radical, he was involved in the Netanyahu riot that took place at Concordia in 2001. Having been thereby kicked out, did Engler switch roles from one celebrity status to another? This is not to say that Engler isn’t truly interested in world affairs, and that he is an actor without a driving force beyond rebelling against the system. In “Playing Left Wing…” he admits that “…activism has required people who are willing to dream, to discuss and to act. Those who have done this have given humanity so much.[vi]” His ability to represent his beliefs is admirable. His ideals are strong, and for some, it’s just a matter of meeting their calling. It is important, though, to recognize the status given to the performers of activism.

Students and citizens are accustomed to raising their voices and making their message known. The outcome is often successful, and sometimes dramatic. The streets and public spaces become their stage. Elaborate sets are created and structures accompanied by poster propaganda are designed for viewers and passersby. The visual appeals of these assemblies draw crowds and interest, as questions and fascination with theatric elements such as makeup and costume create an audience.

Critical Mass is an international movement that began in 1992, in San Francisco. It is a gathering of bicyclists supporting the right to freedom of public space and the denunciation of cars, pollution, and automobile collisions[vii]. In the fall of 2006, Critical Mass Montreal organized a huge bike meet die-in for Car Free Day. A die-in is when protesters pretend to be dead in order to call attention to a problem. Footage of this event portrayed young people with torn clothing, pale powdered skin, and blood streaks across their face. This time, they were protesting the dangerous results of automobiles in their space. The streets were blocked off in the busy Rene Levesque and University area of downtown Montreal for a short period of time, and the actors lay down on the road while a man on a loudspeaker stood on a pedestal. These were not trained performers, but those who gathered monthly along with Critical Mass in solidarity with the movement.

The use of the body in the case of this Critical Mass performance is resourceful. It is not a risky space, in that the police have helped block off the roads for these rights of expression. It is in the practice of performing death and calling attention to a cause with such morbidity and realism. It’s not in the same style of Brecht or documentary makers, but it has its own advantages. It’s eye-catching, and personal, in that the victim of a car accident could be any of those bodies lying on the road. Some of the performers also chose to rest with their bodies frozen mid-action, entangled in their bikes. These tableaus, which included contorted faces, were moving and curious for the average person.

In Montreal, a typical Critical Mass callout is made for the last Friday of every month to cyclists and allies to take part. The number of people involved could reach a count beyond fifty. Police usually don’t interfere with the event, but keep a close watch. They are aware that the collective isn’t aiming towards anything hugely political. Certain forms of activism and protest are to make a statement rather than to invoke a serious change. Critical Mass is conscious that they will not force the withdrawal of technological forces from society, such as traffic lights and use of automobiles. It is simply to remind people to look at themselves more closely, and their rights.

In the performing arts, an actor is taught to dissect their script and character. The super-objective of the play and the minor objectives of the individual must be noted, as should the obstacles that prevent the character from receiving what they want. In a play, there are always things that stand in the way. It is this action that keeps the audience in tune with the events that take place onstage. Similarly, an activist or protest calls for a breakdown of a problem, and lay out on how to solve it. Some demonstrations are long-term efforts at swaying political or corporate entities, while others are enacted at the point of controversy.

There are certain issues that can surely be altered by narrowing in on the public, word for word. Besides the process of handing out flyers and yelling homemade chants, there is also the notion of direct persuasion. When attempting to change a government or corporation’s stance on an issue, it may involve gathering enough troops to write letters to a local MP. A huge goal of a demonstration is to garner numbers to take part in meetings and organizing. Existing members who’ve been involved in breaking down the problem and forming a plan of action will continue in public displays of embarrassment, which is sometimes all it takes to get the ball rolling. It forces a company or ministry of the government to appease the public when they start questioning loud and shameful claims made by protestors. These are also audience-interactive techniques that offer a closer look at our surroundings beyond the surface.

Since May 2007, the Coalition Against Israeli Apartheid (CAIA) has been gathering in front of Chapters and Indigo bookstores in Montreal. The owners, Heather Reisman and Gerry Schwartz, are donors to Heseg, also known as the Lone Soldiers fund. This is a section of the Israel Defence Forces military, which has been deemed one of the main problems for Palestinians[viii]. It is not surprising that so many of the Middle Eastern discussions take place in Montreal, where the Canadian Jewish population is second only to Toronto[ix]. The Arab community is estimated around one hundred thousand people, and added to by the steady flow of French-speaking North African and international Arab students[x]. Though neither community can be grouped into opposing politics, it is these blurred lines that can spark the uprisings where the numbers are large enough to make a difference.

These demonstrations in front of such a huge chain of stores could be highly detrimental to the corporation’s revenue. Over the picketing period in front of the store, which numbers more than two hundred locations across Canada, CAIA members and supporters approached those entering the store to educate them on Israel’s wrongdoings. They would tell them not to enter the store and to not buy items from the store until the owners withdraw their funding from Heseg[xi]. This sort of aggression could be considered excessive, but it only takes place in certain circumstances. The use of the storefront as a space to get the message across is brilliant in that they manage to develop a gathering from people who are indirectly involved in the problem they are addressing. Their audience is built specifically of those who can affect the issue of the Israeli military’s funding. With a shopper’s disdain, the store would feel the heat eventually and have to change its behaviour.

A performer is not someone who takes a script, memorizes it, and rehearses for weeks on end. Nor is a performance simply a matter of inducing laughter, tears, or a brainwave of philosophical thoughts. There are those who perform to entertain, and others who perform to educate. These two facets are interchangeable, complementary, and can form a goulash with other theatrical elements. Demonstrations and protests have existed from as far back as the 16^th century, and that’s only if western historical forms of revolution are being looked at. These risky endeavours, where ones reputation, future, and self are on the line, are investments. They can lead to glory, recognition, and a name that draws immeasurable results on an Internet search engine. But they can also be a step towards change, a self-gratifying reminder that time has not gone wasted.

Activism and protests are often viewed as hippy dealings, and of no use. However, if it weren’t for the inspired and imaginative techniques used by those who took on such responsibilities, the rights we take for granted today would not be as accessible. Consistent analysis of what works on the public, and what doesn’t, has allowed for complex developments in performance methods and human relations. The ability and choice to question ones environment, to discuss the politics and human rights violations of a society, and to strike back at them, has not always been present. In fact, without the investments of activism and its commitment to the stage, there would be far less breathing room, and even less space to perform our own personal, daily acts.

http://hsc.csu.edu.au/drama/hsc/studies/brecht/2758/Brecht.htm

[i] Wikipedia entry: PROTEST: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protest

[ii] Dawson, Jeffrey. Brecht. HSC Online. http://hsc.csu.edu.au/drama/hsc/studies/brecht/2758/Brecht.htm

[iii] Dawson, Jeffrey. Brecht. HSC Online. http://hsc.csu.edu.au/drama/hsc/studies/brecht/2758/Brecht.htm

[iv] Dawson, Jeffrey. Brecht. HSC Online. http://hsc.csu.edu.au/drama/hsc/studies/brecht/2758/Brecht.htm

[v] 06/18/05. “Canada Acting Badly in Haiti, Protestor Claims”. http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2005/06/18/pettigrew-painter050618.html

[vi] Engler, Yves. Excerpt from book, “Playing Left Wing: From Rink Rat to Radical”. Fernwood Publishing Co, 2006. Found in Rabble.ca, “In His Own Words: If we had no activism”. March 02, 2006.

[vii] Montreal Critical Mass Website. http://www.crasseux.com/criticalmass/

[viii] Eichner, Itamar. “Pro-Palestinian groups call for boycott of IDF donor”. Ynetnews.com. 05/15/07. http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3400055,00.html

[ix] Statistics Canada 2001 Census http://www40.statcan.ca/l01/cst01/demo30b.htm

[x] Statistics Canada 2001 Census http://www12.statcan.ca/english/Profil01/CP01/Details/Page.cfm?Lang=E&Geo1=CMA&Code1=462__&Geo2=PR&Code2=24&Data=Count&SearchText=montreal&SearchType=Begins&SearchPR=01&B1=All&Custom=

[xi] Fraser, Dylan. “Demonstrators throw the book at Chapters.” http://thelink.theorem.ca/view.php?aid=39197

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i’m fairly smitten with milan kundera. i am not smitten by him the way i have been caught up in a fine balance, or shantaram, nor the way i whizzed through jhumpa lahiri and unaccustomed earth..they’ve got nothing on him. i wouldn’t say i’m drawn to him the way i was intrigued by gabriel garcia and immediate host to gallons of respect for his compassion.

i would compare my reaction to kundera’s ‘immortality’ to the same weak-in-the-knees, to-be-left-alone shyness, willingness, and vulnerability i sensed in myself when reading the ‘intimacy’ compilation by sartre. elements of my short but intense relationship with ‘wicked’ by gregory mcguire….quick but never forgotten and forever touched upon in a positive light. triggers to my growth and dog-eared pages of notable points in my book-reading career. no, it’s hard to fall in love..and it happens so rarely that when you’re in it, you don’t want it to end, even though it must. i’m not the sort that wants to read book after book of one author after i fall in love with the first. i would hate to compare one with the other. but i am a slow reader when i sense an immediate connection. i want to write down everything they say, i take pauses and savour the words, the structure of thoughts and the immensity of what my lover is saying. i re-read sections within minutes, touching upon them over and over again. sometimes, when i am with a mortal lover that i can’t get enough of, i write down the things they say on a napkin beside the bed. but with a book, you can turn the page back, and no one will know you’re so love-struck. it’s all between the pages.

why do i feel so strongly about some books, and not others? i could quote kundera and support my statements..but i think it is that i see elements of myself manifested in the thoughts of these writers..that they could see right through me, and humans in general, is so profound that i believe them to be demi-gods.

so why would i read them slowly, and why would i not race to read their next book? i think love, when it nears its end, is the sweetest tragedy. best contained in its past. to read another book by the same person, with a completely different goal, time, place..could lead to a complete disconnect that may dissolve all previous . the same person i was in love with a year and a half ago is my friend today, and will never be my lover again. the person/book/place you fall in love with can come at the right time, fitting into you perfectly and clicking in place. sometimes you carry on this romance until it ripens into a sweet forever. but a lot of the time, relationships are meant to stay in their place. a book does not change with time, as people are so prone to doing.

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each day, we crack open a bottle of wine and talk about our lives. where we’re headed, where we’re at, and where we can’t wait to be…sometimes it spans time, events, realities and dreams..it’s a pretty huge spectrum. other times, it is derived from people..i want to be doing what she’s doing. not the same career but the same place, feeling, height..level of comfort..i want to feel what she’s feeling. in many encounters, we are sore. our eyes are dry, and our faces redden. we hold each other tenderly, bitterly, asking for help, hungrily…because there is no shame in what the eyes may say.
after our heads clear, we all walk away as if nothing happened. we put things down, and we pick them back up. in all ways, we are each other’s recyclers. there is nothing that can compare to a burn, a drop, falling to ashes. only to be left as embers, waiting to have life and air blown back.

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I remember when I visited Toronto a few years ago, after having lived in Montreal for a couple of years. I decided to catch up with some old friends. Several of them had been attending University of Toronto at this time, and so the girls took me out to a U of T party.

A very strange thing took place.

One friend, a very smart, hardworking girl set on her goals, was to meet up with me. As long as I’d known her, she’d always been very studious, choosing to stay home and focus on the grades for law school over going out and talking about boys or partying. When I called her up to plan the evening, I realized I had not heard her voice since I had moved away for university. We’d been corresponding over email. So…..She sounded like a ditz~!! Every other word was “oh my god” and “like” and she had this really icky sweet sugar dripping off every sentence. I truly cringed. She was talking really fast like her mind was going a mile a minute, and sounded like she was straight out of a movie…”Clueless?”

Don’t get me wrong, I love this girl. And she still made complete sense. She was talking about the war in Iraq, how much she can’t stand Bush, and how she is obsessed with her poli. sci. classes.

Later that week, I met up with another friend. She was studying Life Sciences, pre-med, at U of T. It was the same thing. Serious, important topics laced with squeaky, high pitched, quick speech. Who were these people, and what did they do with my friends?

If you’re not familiar with the University of Toronto, it’s one of the postsecondary institutions in Canada that is held in fairly high regard, alongside the likes of Queens, McGill, and Western.  If Canada had Ivy League, this might be it. I’ve always considered them very annoying schools for the ’stature’ and ‘name’ attached to their reputation, and more than that, I dislike a lot of the people that are attracted to these schools for the ‘name’. That’s just me, though:)

My friends who studied at U of T have all taken me aside at some point since they’ve graduated (or since they’ve ceased their education halfway) and confided in me as to how U of T had stolen their soul. I am not exaggerating  when I say that at least three people have used this sentiment and possibly these words when describing their time at the school.

Now that I’ve moved to Toronto, I’ve met a lot more U of T girls. They’re all very dedicated, intelligent women. But they all talk this way. Of course, a lot of them are into the stereotypical ditzy interests of shopping and boys, too. But they are also focused, and I find them very disciplined about going out and grabbing what they want. A part of me wishes I had learned this. Instead, I learned everything about delivery, interaction, and selling at the right time and place. Blah…I don’t know what influences U of T girls to talk so, but there’s definitely something there.

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does hatred translate to envy? and therefore, insecurity?

what makes one decide who they envy, and who they unconditionally support, encourage, and love? i’m sure the line is complex, and not at all fine…those who we envy and/or despise are people we deem useless, harmful, and uncaring…right?? or not..

i don’t know, i don’t care what makes a person so despicable from one person’s perspective and so admirable from another’s…because it’s obviously an opinion based on experience..but, i wonder, what is the best way to emancipate oneself from this weakness of revulsion…?
in the Catholic religion, there is this idea of ‘forgiveness’..but it’s easier in theory than in practice..as so many things written in stone are..
i truly believe that, to dislike a person to this extent is, in fact, a hindrance on ones well-being. it’s a reminder that, every time it is duly noted that ‘hate is a strong word’, you could ACTUALLY use the word in a sentence and mean it…
then there’s the question, can one only hate someone they’ve loved…?

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i am treading through ‘the secret’..my godfather’s wife has raved about it, and she’s one of the most optimistic people i know…not to mention some businesspeople i know who seem to love it..

it was one of the leading books in india…every bookstore i went into (and i went into A LOT) (hence the 14kg overweight;)) had “The Secret” at #1…
Whenever kids would come up to my rickshaws selling books, the main three were…The Secret, Kite Runner, and A Thousand Splendid Suns..

Anyway, I think there’s a trend in India surrounding motivational thought and literature. Even as I read magazines and statements from celebrities, all their quotes and ideals are based on these laws of attraction, in a way…And I’ve noticed people are really into passing along inspirational quotes and sayings…either via text message or through email…It’s one rupee a text message, so technically the Indian text message costs more than the Canadian…yet, no one sends me inspirational text messages?! You know, it really did mean something to me..to wake up and re-read it..added a little light to my day..HINT HINT..SEND ME POSITIVE MESSAGES!!!…

okay so i gotta tell you something…i have three days left to write…after that, i cannot blurt out anything more under the pretense of ‘traveling’..for i will be back in toronto..
the question is, do i write my ass off, or have i written enough..
is it quantity, or quality, in this case?
i’ve done some facebook lurking, and people have come home with a lot of wonderful pictures, photos from their winter extravaganzas and adventures….
i did not use my camera once on this trip.
The camera. my archnemesis. my possessive ex lover, confidante, my wanderlust and vanity, all in a little hand held contraption that has never quite made sense to me.
broadcast journalism classes consisted of me, fiddling, often calling an old friend just to make sure i had the FPS (eh??) and white balance right..auto focus or manual? am i overacting? should i wear makeup? what’s that trick you mentioned that would make me look skinnier? ahh, yes…that one..

i am thoroughly anti-camera. i’ve reluctantly embraced this phase for the past couple of months, almost veiled myself in it. every passing urge to capture a moment with a lens has been followed by a pebble in my throat..why do i want to use my camera, i ask…so i can have a zillion shots of the same thing from different angles? because digital is cheap? so i can look at it immediately afterwards?..this is what the camera has come to mean to me..it’s sad, because i know there’s more to it than that…am i really much of a photographer, though? i want to know, how many people develop photos these days? why does blacks’ photography have so many frames on display these days?

i don’t carry my camera anywhere anymore. when another pulls it out, i am first arrested by how the camera might spoil this moment–my own defensiveness– and then reminded that i don’t have a pen to write this moment down and they have their camera, to write it down for themselves.

some people do it really well, as i’ve seen. and the colours, the vibrance, there really is the possibility of quality with a camera. i just can’t do it.
i have been at war with the camera for some time. I think it’s because I’m still transitioning, 1.5yrs later, into acting for film. If only I could tell you how I feel about this comfortable, emotionally abusive lover of mine, these days..i’m so attached it hurts..

There are some things i am dying to take a picture of. i wanted the red paan spray on the streets, like graffiti on a wall..though people apparently spit it on special property, like a scar..not so sure about uninvited scars. My cousin said it can get really bothersome to the point of…VANDALISM? but i think paan juice could be useful in self-expression…kinda like that vomit on canvas art fad..but vomiting on someone else’s art, not so cool..

so there, did i just take a picture? does that count? is writing way more revealing than photos?

here’s the thing. my friend once told me she didn’t take pics with any of the people she met on her trip to israel. me, i have decided not to take pics of any of the things i’ve seen. so far, i’ve gotten a lot on paper/screen. and people take pics of me with groups of others, or on my own.

i’ve had a lot of thoughts, asked a lot of my silly questions, and done a lot of things. i consider my writing my photo album. i wouldn’t have felt comfortable taking out a camera to take a picture of vadaes, and it’s difficult to aim a camera at the steam rising off the top of a cup of tea, i don’t think my camera’s good enough to catch the stain on the side of a glass or the fingernails and dry skin of that woman’s day, nor could i quote, with a camera, the things i’ve heard around me, that make me wonder and think twice..and since i’m on a mission to ‘focus’, i decided to use one medium and not the two..

i am feeling a lot better..

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